I date a divorced woman with 2 kids. I love her. Some problems ...

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Today, 08:15 AM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 10	Hey .. I'm super new here. But been having an avid reader and just having an argument with my girlfriend. I decide to post here regarding the problems and feelings I have so far. Please respond kindly to my post and give a mature and objective opinion. So here it is.. I am 29 years old, single male and she's 35, a working mom, divorced with 2 kids. We've dated for about 6 months so far. I can feel she likes me too, and so do I. We feel fit to each other, we talk about lots of things and we do feel comfortable about our relationship. But sometimes we just have this argument about her ex. It feels like she's still in doubt to be more open about our relationship, and whenever I push her to be open about us, she's upset. I asked her the reason she seems reluctant to be open about it. She said she want to "protect" me from her (a bit psycho) ex and "stay out of it" until we have a fully matured relation and prepared to be married. Well does it even make sense or am I the only idiot here? She's not wearing her ring anymore, in fact she always wear the necklace I gave her AND she also has introduced me to her kids. Well that's a good sign of acceptance, isn't it? Now the problems, and main questions are: 1. Why she still seems reluctant to be honest about our relationship? Yep she's legally divorced, I checked. 2. It also feels her ex still not fully let her go. She tells me that some time the ex still try to call/text her, asking about the kids. He even still calls her [honey] .. WTF? What should I do about him? I'm cool with her ex calling about kids, but honey? hmm .. As a side note she's always been trying to push her ex back. He still call her honey but she always waving him away and end the conversation. I can see she try hard to keep her kids closer to me and further from him. 3. Do you think it's okay if I make contact her ex? I really want to know both sides of their (failed) marriage tale? And I really want him to let her go. Is that wrong? 4. Give me general tips about dating, or even maybe marrying a divorced woman with kids? I'm trying at first, but it's really hard to not get attached to her. She's just adorable woman, and mother. 5. How would a remarried woman treat a replacement daddy such as me (assuming I marry her?) People say her kids will always be number 1, and I'm number 2. How bad is it really? Can she still respect me as a husband? Or merely a new guy on the block? That will be all, let the discussion begin, and thank you so much for your time.
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Today, 08:28 AM	? #2 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Canada Posts: 3,339	She may have been abused and have reason for trying to her ex "happy". Or she might still be keeping him as plan B. hard to say. How long have they been separated/divorced? How dependent is she on him financially or any other way? I would definitely advise NOT contacting him. I think she would take that as going behind her back. And yes, you will likely be prioritized below the kids in a number of ways. After all, you can take care of yourself and make your own decisions, while the children cannot. Having said that, your needs and concerns need to be taken into account too. It's a balancing act, and compromises will sometimes need to be made. The only other thing I'd say is that you may be getting too serious too fast. You've only been dating for six months. Give it time, enjoy your time with her, and see where things go. Maybe she's just looking for fun, not a life partner? C
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Today, 08:33 AM	? #4 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 10	Quote: She may have been abused and have reason for trying to her ex "happy". Or she might still be keeping him as plan B. hard to say. How long have they been separated/divorced? How dependent is she on him financially or any other way? I would definitely advise NOT contacting him. I think she would take that as going behind her back. And yes, you will likely be prioritized below the kids in a number of ways. After all, you can take care of yourself and make your own decisions, while the children cannot. Having said that, your needs and concerns need to be taken into account too. It's a balancing act, and compromises will sometimes need to be made. The only other thing I'd say is that you may be getting too serious too fast. You've only been dating for six months. Give it time, enjoy your time with her, and see where things go. Maybe she's just looking for fun, not a life partner? C Well I can safely say she can take care of herself pretty well. She's not dependent financially to her ex. Rather the other way around. They've been separated about 2 or 3 years so far. Yep, I might give impression about getting serious too soon. However, I'm still enjoying her companion and try talk less about that.
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Today, 09:22 AM	? #8 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Kansas City Metro area Posts: 1,804	I personally don't think 6 months is "moving too quickly" to be thinking about a future together. I also think a couple years is plenty of time for her to have put her ex firmly in the past where he belongs. It does sound like she's into you if she's waving him off, but I agree with you about the "honey" part. If she's working to get him to cool his jets, is she saying, "I don't want you to call me that any more" to him? What makes the guy "a bit psycho" and is that your words or hers? I'm with the others who say not to go behind her back and contact him, but I also think you're smart to want to see the bigger picture. I think it would be wiser to pull back a bit from your relationship for now and see what develops. You can explain that you're concerned about the fact that she isn't being genuine about her relationship with you to everyone and will treat it as the yellow flag that it is. As far as her treating kids as #1 and you as secondary, this is true of some women but not all. Pay attention to the kinds of things she believes her kids have "rights" on and how much she backs them up (even if they're wrong) to get some idea of whether she'll be logical and balanced about things or not. When they have trouble in school or daycare, does she automatically blame anyone but her kids? Or does she make both parties responsible? How much does she pay attention to her children's side of the story and does she balance it against other information?
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Today, 09:38 AM	? #9 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 10	Quote: I personally don't think 6 months is "moving too quickly" to be thinking about a future together. I also think a couple years is plenty of time for her to have put her ex firmly in the past where he belongs. It does sound like she's into you if she's waving him off, but I agree with you about the "honey" part. If she's working to get him to cool his jets, is she saying, "I don't want you to call me that any more" to him? What makes the guy "a bit psycho" and is that your words or hers? I'm with the others who say not to go behind her back and contact him, but I also think you're smart to want to see the bigger picture. I think it would be wiser to pull back a bit from your relationship for now and see what develops. You can explain that you're concerned about the fact that she isn't being genuine about her relationship with you to everyone and will treat it as the yellow flag that it is. As far as her treating kids as #1 and you as secondary, this is true of some women but not all. Pay attention to the kinds of things she believes her kids have "rights" on and how much she backs them up (even if they're wrong) to get some idea of whether she'll be logical and balanced about things or not. When they have trouble in school or daycare, does she automatically blame anyone but her kids? Or does she make both parties responsible? How much does she pay attention to her children's side of the story and does she balance it against other information? Thank you Kathie. Yep I was kinda hoping she asked her ex to stop calling her that. More importantly I want the ex to know that she's with me now, well yeah we're just dating. But how about some space, please? She's definitely not calling him the same way. She keeps his texts and calls mostly for kids business and nothing else. Point is, I can feel that she's fond of me, so far. But she's kinda shy to be open about us to him. Yep she tells me how bad it might be if we're going full blown in front of him, he might try so hard to get her back. So the psycho word is coming from both of us. And like I said, she wants us to go undercover until we're seriously about to be married. I don't know if it actually makes sense or just full of it? Almost feels like she's having an affair with me, but it's really not either. Her mom and brothers confirm it. Wish everything could be dead simple just like with a clean single girl coming from lovable families. But hey, you know how it is. It's not just like a matter of choosing iPhone or Android.
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Today, 10:22 AM	? #15 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Kansas City Metro area Posts: 1,804	Quote: Oh well thank you. I don't know. She still turning her phones off after the argument we had. It's not a green light yet to open a conversation, and I'm not pushing her even further or it'll be the end of it. If you were her, would you give this "control" to a man whom you date for the past 6 months? Or would you try to hide the new relationship and keep it off from your ex until everything is ready? The answer to that depends on how into the new guy I am, doesn't it? And that's the crux of your problem. Whether you're a guy or a girl, when you're head-over-heels about someone, there's NOTHING that can come between you. You'd move mountains to make sure of it during that irrational logic part of the relationship. Your emotions will do your thinking instead of your head. After 6 months, yes, I would give my new man more control than a person from my past. I would do that after 6 DAYS, to be honest. I don't owe anyone from my past anything, much less loyalty! There is a reason they're the past. Her heart's not fully into it with you. Only you can decide what you want to make of that. But while she's thinking with her head, YOU are thinking with your heart. This makes you very vulnerable to getting hurt right now. This is why I said if I was in your shoes, I'd be calling that game. I'd pull back and get back to thinking with my head since it clearly would not be safe to be fully vulnerable in that situation.
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