How parents explained Newtown to their children

Parents across the country soaked in the news of Friday's shootings in Newtown, Conn., to return home to their own children--many the same ages as the victims--to talk frankly about the tragedy. Yahoo News asked parents to share some of those conversations they had over the weekend and how they're children are responding. Here are some excerpts from what they wrote Monday.

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A talk of violence, shooting, death and 6-year-olds: My children know about death, but in their lives, only the elderly have died. They are 6 years old, in first grade, and their happy photos resemble those of the lost.

I sat them down and told them I needed to talk about something serious, something sad. They listened as I explained about the children that died: "First-graders in a town across the country were killed Friday while we were still asleep. A man came into their school and shot them with a gun."

They were confused and asked if we knew any of them. I told them no.

They asked if the man was bad. I told them I didn't know, but the police thought he was sick, and that what he did was bad.

They asked if the children became stars. I told them yes, each child was a new star in our sky.

I reminded them that guns are not toys, that we don't kill people because we can. My son responded, "Guns are for protecting our family."

I asked them what they would do if someone came into their school with a gun.

My son said, "Mr. Madrigal [the principal] would stop them and Mrs. Parker [his teacher] would help."

My daughter agreed and added, "Mrs. Munizich [her teacher] too. And I would take my friends and hide."

I told them they are brave and have brave teachers.

I cried, they patted my shoulder and gave me kisses.

-- Heather Laney, Santa Barbara, Calif.

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Why I'm not broaching school shootings with my young son: He knows the keypad at the front door to his school is to keep him safe, and he knows not to interact with, or trust, strangers. But if he asks about the school shooting in Connecticut, which he might given his curiosity and ability to pick up information from news programs and talking adults, I will remain mum and redirect his focus.

Adults have a hard enough time deciphering school shootings and identifying warning signs that a troubled individual may descend into violence, so why try to burden kids with such complexity? Knowing that "troubled people" may "snap" and become "violent" is too difficult for a young child to comprehend. Either the kid will disregard the information, or hypervigilance and paranoia could result, with the child growing fearful of the world.

-- Calvin Wolf, Midland, Texas

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First instincts, from a teacher and a mom: As a teacher, I'm trained in school safety procedures. I know how to protect my students in the classroom.

My first instincts when I heard about the Newtown school shooting, however, was to gather my own children near to me. My 16-year-old daughter and I had a road trip planned that afternoon, so we listened to the radio as the news of the victims and shooter began to emerge. She saw tears rolling down my face as I drove.

I tried to explain why I was crying; it's the shared grief among the community of motherhood that couldn't be felt by anyone who hadn't held their baby in their arms. I explained to her about how we cannot fathom the pain the parents of the slain children must be experiencing. I praised the words of commitment toward ending gun violence, knowing that was a tangible action she could grasp. I shared my sadness and horror that a son would kill his mother--but there is no explaining that. All I could do as I drove along was hold her hand and share my tears.

-- Jennifer Wolfe, Davis, Calif.

***

No sugarcoating the madness: No one ever gave me instructions on how to tell my child that a person walked into a school building after killing his mother and brutishly murdered 26 people, 20 of them children. I don't remember reading any articles on how to even approach the subject with my daughter. I can't recall a single parenting class or guidelines that touched on something that so many people wouldn't think possible. I also didn't get the memo on how to explain this to an autistic child.

I held my 10-year-old daughter tight and braced myself for the barrage of questions. All I could think of was using my soft voice while giving her the story without many of the intricate details:

"Yes, they died." "No, I don't know why." "Pray."

It is when she pushed for more specific details that I recoiled. I can't protect her from everything, but I don't want her to lose faith in the world yet. She, like all the children of the world, is our future. While we can't sugarcoat the madness, we don't have to give them the impression that all is hopeless.

-- Elizabeth Lott, Hobbs, N.M.

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Explaining this to my nine children: I am a father of nine children from the small town of Belvidere, Ill. My children range in age from 3 to 17 years old.

My 6-year-old daughter said, "Dad just pray. God will listen." So our family continues to pray for the families of the victims, but after watching these events unfold on TV, it makes a parent feel helpless when our most treasured gifts get on that school bus. I cannot imagine the heartache of losing a child, spouse, or friend at the hands of a madman.

-- Michael D. Sommers, Belvidere, Ill.

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Admitting the world isn't safe: The heart-wrenching pictures of the victims of Sandy Hook Elementary are plastered over the front pages of every news site. Behind me, my 7-year-old asks, "Mom, who are those kids?" He started out life at 8 pounds, 9 ounces, and he's already almost as tall as me.

Like any parent, I don't want to think about how easily he could be taken away from me.

"They're kids who died today," I say.

He knows what death is; his cousin died when they were both 3 years old.

"Did they do something wrong?"

"No, they just went to school."

"Why did they die?"

"They got hurt, and they died. Some people are sick in a way we can't see, and they hurt people."

Bad things happen. Yet we must still live life unfettered by fear. It's easier said than done. My one wish is that my son, and the other children who hear of this tragedy, keeps asking his question, "How can we help the sick people so that they don't want to hurt anybody?"

-- Rebecca Mikulin, Sheridan, Wyo.

***

Be calm and caring: While I'm watching the news of the Newtown shooting in shock and disbelief, my 4-year-old daughter walks in the room, sees the concern in my face and asks me: "What's wrong, Mommy?"

I reply, "Some nice people went to heaven."

She said, "What do you mean?"

I sat her down and began telling her that a bad man did a very bad thing and took the lives of some children and some adults.

She asked, "Why would he do that?" So, I explained that to her that some people need to find their way with God. They are lost and don't know any better. I told my daughter that the good people's lives he took were in a better place with God and the angels.

My daughter smiled and said, "That makes me feel better."

-- Katrina Gilliam, Grassy Creek, Ky.

***

Reminding my son of life's fragility: My 12-year-old son and I live in Los Angeles, across the nation from Friday's shootings in Newtown, Conn. They're not just a shock to me, but a reminder of how fragile life is and how perilous the times that we live in are.

There are two things I told my son:

First, live life as fully as you are able. Enjoy your childhood. Then, we as a family will do the best we can. The hard truth is there are things in this world that we cannot control, but the fear of bad things must never impede how we enjoy life.

Second, know that God has taken care of the innocent children that died. They are with him. It is natural to feel sadness in these times. However, you as a person must do your utmost to help. As a pastor at a California church, I believe prayer works in these moments. I tell my son to remember the families, especially the parents who lost their children. Include them in your prayers. Ask God to bless them and uplift their hearts.

-- Hector Quiambao, Los Angeles

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Parent's pain: the school shooting talk: "While you were in school, other children the same age as you were gunned down in their school. The world is a terrible place."

Those were the words that came to mind as I contemplated how to explain the Sandy Hook shootings to my child. My son was only 3 years old the last time a mass shooting hit close to home. I didn't have to explain to him that someone came onto the Northern Illinois University campus where his Granny teaches and killed students in a classroom where I had sat many times. Now he is 7, and I can't protect him from the horror.

They are not especially eloquent, but these are the words I used: You are safe at school. Sometimes bad things happen, and we will never understand why. It is OK to feel sad and angry. We cannot change what happened, but we can try to make our world a better place.

-- Loki Morgan, Illinois

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Worries about numbness: After news of the Newton school shooting, we embraced our 14-year-old son and asked him how he felt about it.

His comments left me numb. With a shrug and plain face, my son said, "These things happen all of the time." How tragic is it for a child to have such a bleak and blas? view of the world today?

Our youth should not be desensitized by violence and tragedy. We must teach them compassion and empathy and to embrace one another despite differences. Perhaps with a little more diligence on the part of adults, we can shield our youth from a destiny of doom.

-- Elaina Wicks, Azle, Texas

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/talk-violence-death-parents-spoke-children-newtown-211100341.html

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